The lessons I learned about integrity didn't come from reading books or hearing about other people's experiences. I learned them through my own costly mistakes.

I had a long career in the restaurant business while I was going to school. I was a dishwasher and busboy before I started waiting tables at breakfast and lunch. Then I got my break working at a small, but fancy Swiss restaurant, whose owner decided to give me a shot that ultimately set me up to work at an upscale restaurant, where I routinely served celebrities.

The Swiss restaurant didn't have a lot of business and the owner was often frustrated. At times, he even took his frustration out on customers, scolding them for not coming back more frequently! Yes, this is true, and no, it didn’t work! Despite his frequent meltdowns, he generally treated me well. But one thing that always set him off was the slightest hint of disagreement with his opinions.

Waiters would get hired and stay for a while, but would either leave or get fired. Many of them were really good at what they did but they just couldn't get along with the guy. I can still see many of their faces moving in and out of the revolving door of working at that restaurant.

I stayed for a couple of years longer than most, because I chose not to question him. Even when I knew he was wrong for picking on the other waiters, I would stay silent or even join in on the gossip. I was 19 years old and he had given me a chance that I wasn't going to blow it. I had learned table-side cooking and I was picking up on the techniques of working in a fancy restaurant, so I felt that I had too much to lose by speaking up!

I did eventually leave, however. I was offered a job at a fancy restaurant where I was going to make at least 3 times as much money in tips. When I was interviewing, I told him it was time for me to leave and find something closer to my field because I was about to graduate from Engineering school. He wasn’t happy, but respected my choice and even invited me and my wife to come have dinner on him one night. After I got the job, I was too scared to tell him I was leaving to be a waiter somewhere else. We parted ways amicably, which was unheard of.

A couple of months later, I decided it would probably be a nice experience to go back and have the dinner that he had offered me. Don’t ask me why! Was it the free meal or was it the desire to let him know the truth? I will never know, but we went and found ourselves being greeted warmly by the owner. But things didn’t stay that way.

Sometime during the evening, he came by to chat and I couldn’t help it. I broke the news to him. And you guessed it. He blew his top! He threw one of his tantrums that I had witnessed and been subject to too many times. He proceeded to point out to me that while I went to work at that fancy restaurant, he could just go out and buy that restaurant. He stopped short of calling me names and throwing us out before he stormed off to the kitchen. We finished our meal and ended up picking up the tab before we left because, unsurprisingly, he had changed his mind about dinner being his treat. I had officially joined the countless people that he considered to be worthless.

After all I had done for him to appease him and support him, even when he acted like an immature child toward the staff and even customers, he treated me like dirt. In retrospect, it wasn’t surprising. That was the way he had treated literally every person who left the place. He talked about them like they were the scum of the earth. Why wouldn’t he do it to me? I had illusions of being special. I figured I had earned enough points not to be treated that way. Sadly, I learned that wasn’t the case.

What has haunted me about that experience over the years is the look in some of the other waiters’ eyes as they were forced to suffer through his tantrums and tirades. They were looking at me as if to say, “Do something. You know he’s wrong! You have credibility with this guy and we don’t! Why don’t you stand up for what’s right?!” I literally remember many of their faces and that image that is a constant reminder of the lessons I learned through that experience.

• I learned that the greatest thing I have to lose is my integrity. The value of everything else that I thought I was trying to protect – money, position, opportunity, etc. – paled in comparison to being able to look myself in the eye and know that, at the end of the day, I did the right thing.

• I learned that no leader worth following ever expects my unconditional loyalty or adjusts the value they place on me solely based on whether I agree with them or not.

• I learned that while I should strive to always treat others with respect, NO ONE deserves my unconditional support when their words and actions violate the values and principles that I don’t wish to compromise.

• I learned that it is much easier to see people for who they are if I ask myself, “Would I still support this person if there were nothing in it for me?”

• I learned that while people may forgive me for my mistakes and lack of competence, it is nearly impossible for me to earn their respect again when they know that I have knowingly compromised my values for personal gain.

• I learned that the cost of my lack of integrity and hurting my reputation with those who didn’t have the power to do anything to me was far too great a price to pay.

That was over 38 years ago. Since then, I have fallen short of my own standards on several occasions as I have justified my silence and inaction in favor of “trade-offs,” or failed to speak truth to power in order to protect my own interests, but I’m happy to say I have come a long way. I can say that because I can recall countless times when I gave up what was incredibly important to me in the moment because I chose the right path even if I had to lose out personally. I refused to add to the burden that I and others would have to carry if I were to sell out and let myself down and let down those who counted on me for leadership.

I’m sure each of us can think of many people who have compromised their integrity right before our eyes. You probably know of people who should read and heed the message of this post, but that doesn’t make you special. What makes you special is taking the time to be honest with yourself about whether you are compromising the values that you claim to aspire to by blindly following and supporting someone whose words and actions you would otherwise find appalling. You are even more special if you own up to it, declare it, and intentionally change your ways. And if being true to your values and maintaining your integrity means you lose the “respect” of those you look up to and follow, then that is just proof that they were never worthy of your respect to begin with.

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About the Author: Amir Ghannad is an international keynote speaker, author of The Transformative Leader, leadership consultant, culture transformation champion, and founder of The Ghannad Group. He has made it his life's work to guide leaders and equip them with the tools, skills, and the mindset necessary to create extraordinary workplace cultures that deliver breakthrough results. Download his free e-book, titled 5 Practical Steps to Make Your Culture Transformation Stick by clicking here.

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As always, have a great week! May you Boldly Declare, Courageously Pursue, and Abundantly Achieve the Extraordinary!

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